Finding it difficult to ask for help? You don’t have to cope alone.

Perhaps you tried talking to someone once and now you think ‘never again’.  Some mates just aren’t equipped to know what to say and might make a joke in their awkwardness.  

If you’ve plucked up courage to talk and then you feel as if what you said wasn’t taken seriously, or the person immediately tried to problem solve with you, you might not try again.

It may be that you are lucky enough to have a friend who can show you empathy and you have been able to talk about things that are bothering you, or even things that keep you awake at night.  Having someone who we feel we can ask for help and being able to share how we are feeling with is very important.  

There is a difference between someone starting to fix the problem and someone who comes alongside you and helps you discover what you really need. 

You may not know what you are feeling exactly but you know you don’t feel right.  You’re aware you don’t feel yourself even if you don’t know if you’re anxious, overwhelmed, afraid or angry.  Counselling and therapy offers you the opportunity to learn more about what you’re feeling.

When we are able to say ‘I feel…… (sad, lonely, afraid, angry)’ it actually can lessen the intensity of the feeling.  

Keeping it all inside, bottling up painful feelings and thoughts can cause them to become worse.  Eventually the lid just won’t stay on anymore.

Some families really struggle to talk about feelings and so they resort to ‘mask wearing’.  It’s not a real mask, it is pretending everything is OK whilst feeling very wobbly and upset inside. 

Mask wearing might look like saying you’re fine, when inside you’re struggling to get through the day.  It might look like being the person everyone else relies on or burying yourself in work to try and cope.  

It is hard work and can leave you feeling very lonely and isolated with your distressing feelings.

If you were brought up in a family where there was little time to feel seen or heard, or where no one modelled to you genuine empathy it is likely you haven’t yet learnt to identify what you’re feeling and that’s OK. 

If nobody helped you understand your feelings how can you be expected to know what you’re feeling now? If you felt whilst growing up that there wasn’t really anyone available who you could ask for help from, this may add to a sense of having to cope alone now.

Particularly for men in our British society where even boys have learnt from an early age that crying isn’t comfortable for those around them.  (I’ve heard care givers tell a 4 year old boy that ‘big boys don’t cry’) 

Tears may be unwanted or held in, but they are healing and can bring relief – apart from the blocked up nose afterwards! They are a natural way to release strong emotions.

Suppressing emotions isn’t only a male issue.  Girls and women can also learn to suppress emotions.  I do believe that boys can receive particularly strong messages about crying, vulnerability and “being a man”. These can be extremely damaging.

Counselling & therapy isn’t just for mental illness.

Actually all our emotions are very normal, including sadness and fear. It is normal to experience emotions and it is not being weak.  The only thing that isn’t normal is to always feel happy.  It is normal to experience a whole range of emotions even in one day,  you may like to begin to take time to start to notice and name how you are feeling.

Perhaps we have confused being strong with never needing anyone. Real strength can also mean recognising when something isn’t manageable alone and being willing to ask for help.

If you feel you ‘must be strong’ and that strength looks like coping alone you’ve swallowed a lie.

I believe asking for help is the strong thing to do.  It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and you might have no idea where to start.

If you have a supportive friend or relative, that may be the first place to seek support.  You are worth being heard and cared for.  It is so important to only choose to talk to someone who you feel you can really trust.  

Not everyone has someone they feel they can really trust, or perhaps you feel you might be a burden, or worry them.  If this is the case then do reach out for some professional help.  You might start with your Dr.  The NHS can offer some talking therapies free, they are usually 6 sessions and there may be a waiting list to join first.

In our modern society one coping mechanism is keeping busy and carrying on despite how you feel inside.  This can work for a long time.  Until one day it doesn’t work anymore.

Then what?

If you’ve carried on by keeping busy or using another way to avoid your feelings, pushing them away this can lead to depression and anxiety.

Very sadly some people may feel so much shame and so much emotional pain they may believe death is the only way to escape.  They may spend a lot of time having unwanted thoughts of wanting to be dead to escape the distress.  Having thoughts about wanting to die is something that people don’t always talk about.