12 ideas to calm and soothe your distress

Do you worry about things that haven’t happened?

Is your mind rehearsing future events and stealing the peace you might have today?

Are you thinking over and over about things that happened in the past?

Perhaps you don’t think you’re good enough?

Here are some ways to help you feel calmer and comforted.

I’m going to talk about how what we think about can lead to anxiety and distressing emotions.  I will be looking at how you can reduce your anxious thoughts and feelings leading to greater calm by offering yourself comfort, to soothe distress.

We are currently living in a time of uncertainty. The news can seem alarming and bleak, with wars, rising prices, health issues and here in the UK health care providers struggling to cope. It is no wonder many people struggle with distressing feelings including anxiety.

Here are some examples of the different drive systems in your brain.

One of the things about being human is, you have a brain that has thoughts. Some of these thoughts and imaginings are negative.   Some thoughts can cause distressing feelings.

The human brain is incredibly equipped to keep us safe. 

Professor Paul Gilbert proposed that there are 3 main kinds of emotional regulation systems in the human brain:  The threat system, the drive system and the soothing system. 

These can become out of balance and are shaped by life experiences that have happened to you, particularly during your early years.

The drive system is what motivates you. It can be focussed and pursue what you want.

The threat system is involved in detection and protection. “Better safe than sorry”. It would alert you of your need to move out of the way of a falling object.  This happens without you even consciously thinking ‘I need to move’. It is such an effective system you move instinctively.

The soothing system manages distress and promotes bonding. It helps you feel cared for, content and safe.

The brain is tricky and it has many thoughts about ourselves and our environment that may not be true.

You may have a vivid imagination and it tells you stories.  Some of the thoughts I hear about include ‘what if……………’ and the brain imagines the worst situation or different scenarios that lead to you feeling as if you are really not safe. 

As you read this blog you may reflect and notice any patterns of thinking you experience and what might start those thoughts off. 

You may not have noticed before what sort of thoughts you are experiencing.

What do you believe if someone doesn’t phone you when you expected them to?

Do you think they don’t care about you? Or do you worry and start thinking about the last conversation with them, in case you said something that offended them?

Do you think: ‘oh they probably forgot, or something has happened in their life today’.

When you believe any thoughts that tell you that you are not ‘good enough’, this can lead to a loss of confidence and you may not feel safe.

The threat system has a very loud voice and it insists on being heard. A bit like a child in the class, who is desperate to be picked to answer a question; The child’s hand is up and they are calling out ‘pick me, pick me!’.  

When the brain’s threat system goes into overdrive when there is no real physical danger due to the imagination or stories your mind is telling you, it can convince you that you are in real danger, leading to physical symptoms such as a panic attack.  The fight or flight response may be triggered. 

Of course it may be that you are really facing an anxiety producing life event too.

Even beginning to understand what is happening when you experience symptoms from anxious feelings, may help you to become aware of the fact you may need to take action to help your threat system to quieten down again. To enable you to experience greater calm.

The brain’s threat system can be quietened by activating the soothing system in your brain, or activating the drive system.  This can soothe distress that you are experiencing.

It may be useful to understand how an animal’s mind differs from ours.  Imagine that there is a herd of zebras.  One day they come under real threat from a prowling lion.  The lion chases one single zebra and the zebra manages to make a very fast escape to join the safety of the herd. 

It is safe now.  For a little time it will be out of breath, if you watch the zebra it will return to grazing.  It is a flight animal and so it will be prepared to run again. 

It doesn’t have the same brain ability as human beings.

What it won’t be doing is ruminating upon what just happened to it and what other people thought about what happened:

“I was chased, I could have been killed, that was a terrible experience. A fierce lion wanted to kill me, would it have eaten me?  I was so frightened.  What did the other zebras think about me? Did they think I should have stayed closer to the herd?“

Those thoughts might happen to a human and the thoughts might cause the body to stay in a state of high alert and anxiety. This will be exhausting and debilitating. 

What is self soothing?

If you’re a parent you will be familiar with helping a child recover when they are upset or angry about something.

All being well the child will be helped through the distressing emotions by the soothing and nurturing attention of a parent or other care giver.

The care giver will need to be able to regulate or control their own emotions and anxiety if they are to help a child control and regulate their emotions.

Not every adult has learnt to tolerate distressing emotions

When an incident occurs and a person experiences extreme distress, which could be conflict in a relationship, ending of a relationship, severe financial difficulty, a stressful house move or the loss of a loved one, or a pet. 

If you realise that you struggle to be able to calm yourself, you may benefit from seeking support from a trained therapist who will be able to help you learn new ways to help you help yourself. If this is something you’d like to experience, please do read more about counselling here or contact me.