How do you cope with bereavement and loss?
Bereavement and loss are a totally unique experience.
There are no ‘shoulds’.
The way that this trial affects you is completely unique to you. There is no ‘normal’ way to grieve. Grieving itself is a process that is a response to the loss of someone or something that was a significant part of our lives
Sometimes I hear people feeling frustrated that they haven’t been able to resume life as normal, very early on after what’s happened. You might wonder if you will ever feel like yourself again.
You may find you have a very high expectation of yourself even just months afterwards.
Try to be gentle with yourself.
What is grief?
According to Christophe Faure, Mourning/Grieving day by day:
“If something hurts, it isn’t grief that hurts, it is the death of the person we have lost that hurts.
In the same way as your subconscious starts the physical process of healing a deep physical wound, your subconscious
starts a process to heal a deep psychological wound.
That process is the grieving process. So
we are talking about something that is natural, necessary, indispensable, to heal the
psychological wound to our heart.
So this grieving process starts without us being conscious of it. It isn’t linked to our thinking process”.
One theory suggests when you’re grieving (which can be a strong and unbearable feeling) the grief doesn’t necessarily diminish, rather life takes time to grow around the mourning.
If you imagine a garden and how long plants can take to grow, this may help you offer yourself compassion.
Loss can come in many forms: Becoming a carer, infant loss, relationship breakdown, a pet dying, empty nest, redundancy, retirement, moving home, health issues, to name a few.
Multiple losses can be
triggered by one event.
In our culture death is seldom spoken of, which is not helpful as it is a certainty for everyone.
Not talking about death can cause those who are grieving to feel even more isolated when they lose a loved one.
The people around them may feel worried about what to say and so they might not stay in contact with the person experiencing a bereavement.
How might bereavement
affect you?
The closer your relationship with the person who has died, usually the more of an impact it is likely to have upon you. Without their presence with you, you may feel lost, lonely and distraught. Your brain finds the experience extremely unfamiliar.
Immediately after the death of someone close to you, it may be that you will feel nothing.
You’ve had a shock.
You may feel numb and disconnected.
You may even experience a sense of living your life as if you’re watching from a distance.
A feeling of being detached.
You are in an acute state of stress, that has the function of
‘carrying you’. The process of grieving is always here to support us and preserve
us.
Some people describe the time after the funeral as the ‘silence’.
Initially, people may be contacting you and checking in.
As time goes on sometimes people forget to stay in contact. You may lose motivation and this prevents you from reaching out for connection with friends or even family.
You may experience loneliness. You may have thoughts like ‘I could walk or go in the garden’ but there’s little motivation to get on and do anything. There may be thoughts like ‘what’s the point’ when it comes to cooking meals.
Alternatively, you might throw yourself into busyness as a way to cope with your loss. You might need to ‘be there’ to help hold others up too.
This may help initially, but in time, if you’ve not felt able to make space for the sadness and loss you might suddenly notice you’re tearful. It might surprise you to know that this can take 2 years sometimes before it begins and so you might not know what the cause of those tears or feeling very low is all about.
Loss comes in many forms.
Moving house can be a huge transition and involve friendships being lost and what has been so familiar to you.
Becoming unwell or receiving a frightening diagnosis can have significant consequences on your life and how you feel.
Going through divorce or separation can cause multiple losses all at once, not only the relationship you had and the security of that.
Everything that was familiar has changed. You may have to move home. Perhaps now you will share access to any children, this is not what you planned or hoped for. It can feel a terribly painful experience.
Pet loss When a beloved pet dies or goes missing, it can leave a big void and you may not feel as supported by those who surround you as you had hoped. Maybe they can’t understand your attachment and the impact it has upon you.
Empty nest. When adult children leave home, nobody tells you how upset you might feel. It can be an extremely emotional time when your home becomes an empty nest. You may wonder if how you feel is normal.
Job loss. Losing your job through redundancy can leave you feeling depleted or even a sense of failure. You may even realise your identity was wrapped up in your job, depending on how long you’re out of work for.
Anticipatory grief
When you have a loved one who is affected by dementia, you begin to watch them change and lose skills aswell as see personality changes.
The loss of traits that were so familiar to you can change your relationship with them.
You may experience feelings of grief and loss, despite your loved one still being physically still present.
You may miss meaningful conversations you once enjoyed with them.
You may find it frustrating to hear them repeating similar conversations.
Perhaps you’re caring for a loved one who is dying, the raw emotions of knowing you may not have long left with their presence can be really difficult to cope with. You may be feeling the impact of the loss of how your life used to look prior to their ill health.
Ensuring you seek support if you notice your mood becoming low is important.
How might you support someone who is grieving?
Inviting someone who has suffered a loss of any kind to spend time with you may be a lovely thing to offer.
Talking about everyday things with them and allowing them to talk. Accept that they may seem rather distant as they are mourning what’s happened.
Walking and talking may feel less demanding on someone who is grieving, silences may feel more natural.
Those who are grieving need to feel accepted and not judged or pressured to do more, or be a certain way.
This diagram by Dr Richard Wilson is a useful, thought provoking illustration.
Big feelings
It may be that you’ve found ways to avoid distressing feelings, however, when you lose a loved one, after numbness and shock subsides, the sense of loss and grief cannot be avoided and it can be a very sad and painful time.
Everybody experiences bereavement and loss in a unique way.
There’s not a right way or a wrong way to grieve loss.
It’s important to be realistic about how long it’s going to take to begin to feel yourself again.
Life is not going to be quite the same. Facing grief head on may feel exhausting.
It is normal to have trouble concentrating, feel ‘fuzzy headed’ and to feel numb after a shock.
Memories can cause waves of strong emotions as can birthdays or other special dates. It is a good idea to plan in advance how you will be able to be supported at those times and if there is a way you will choose to mark those occasions.
Dual Process Model of coping with bereavement.
Above is a link if you’d like to learn more about this dual process model theory of grief.
The dual process model of coping means learning to grieve in ‘manageable chunks’. You may spend time choosing to focus on your loss, feeling it and then afterwards distracting yourself away from it by carrying on with other tasks or even denying and suppressing your grief for short periods as a way of coping.
Coping with bereavement and loss is a journey and it can be unpredictable. It is really important to care for yourself well. If you’re able to, have a basic routine, ensure you eat regularly and exercise. Staying connected with those you trust and feel accepted by will help you to feel supported. Engaging in activities that offer you comfort eg: listening to music, being outside, prayer and meditation.
Here are some ideas to help you cope with your loss and manage your grief journey
If you realise your life continues to be impacted by your loss, you may choose to reach out for some professional support from a qualified counsellor or therapist. This can be helpful a few weeks afterwards, or at any time in the future.
You may value talking to a counsellor where you can explore your feelings and thoughts, where you can feel heard, understood and allowed to be yourself as you experience your strong emotions.
I have worked with many people who are navigating overwhelming feelings of grief. I’ve written about my bereavement counselling service here:
If you’d like to work with me do get in touch: